The Ugly Busy Season

It just got real, real fast.

I’ve found that one of the interesting things about studying the Word of God is that whatever you’re studying, whatever He’s giving you revelation about, will more than likely become the very thing you have to experience.

Maybe it makes the witness stronger. Lol! God is funny.

Does that happen to any of you?

In my previous pours, I wrote about detaching from performative practices in order to receive God’s love. I was learning that He just wants my heart. That I don’t have to perform for what He freely gives. I simply have to BE.

And while I’m being, I am kept, because He is the I AM.

Then life changed.

I recently experienced a major life change: I received a promotion. And I know, without a doubt, that it came from God.

When I received the news, I was stoked, scared, grateful, nervous, overwhelmed—just a ball of all kinds of emotions.

But somewhere in the middle of all that gratitude, I became burdened by a thought:

What if I don’t have enough time to spend with God anymore?

I had become so accustomed to these slow study sessions with the King. Sitting with Him. Reading. Studying. Writing. Lingering.

I wanted that to continue.

I still do.

But the season I entered felt like a whirlwind. Everything happened fast and all at once. The kids needed me. The job seemed to require every waking hour. The Slow Pour was pulling at my heart.

Sigh.

And when life stopped feeling slow, I reached for something familiar.

Guilt.

I spent days feeling heavy. Thinking about talking to God instead of actually talking to Him. Worrying about when I would find the time. Trying to figure out how I was going to get everything done.

And slowly, I started to spiral.

I began doubting whether I was capable of doing the job well. In my quiet moments, instead of conversations with Abba, there were tears. Worry. Overthinking.

On the outside, I appeared okay but inwardly, I was wrecked. One day, I started sobbing and telling God, “I don’t want to live a life void of You.” And somewhere in the middle of me sobbing over something that had not even happened, it became abundantly clear: I had forgotten to BE.

Apparently, BE-ing still isn’t my default yet.

Worry is familiar.
Guilt is familiar.
Doubt is familiar.
Overthinking is familiar.
Performing to prove my worth is familiar.

And, well, there was still some residue left.

This ugly busy season exposed it.

So I stopped sobbing and said:

“Abba, I submit my time, this job, my children, and this season to You.”

That simple.

No elaborate prayer.
No perfectly planned quiet time.
No performance.

Just surrender.

Can I be honest with you?

I’m still in the thick of it.

Nothing magically slowed down after that prayer. The responsibilities are still here. The demands are still demanding. I’m still learning how to navigate all of this.

But I have become more intentional about recognizing what triggers me.

One of those triggers is fear.

I started something new, which means change.

Change means a disruption to the status quo.

A disruption to the status quo means I have to shift.

And with a shift often comes this gray area filled with uncertainty and the unknown.

And I don’t like not knowing.

I like clarity. I like understanding what comes next. I like black and white.

But I’m learning that trusting Him in the gray is far better than me knowing what’s in the black and white.

So I’m sitting with the shift.

Not rushing through it.
Not trying to master it overnight.
Not demanding that God show me everything that comes next.

Just sitting with it.

And in doing so, I discovered something I didn’t expect:

I am more aware of His presence because of how uncomfortable the shift is.

The uncertainty draws me nearer and I confide in Him about everything because there is so much I don’t know.

Abba, what do I do with this?
How do I handle that?
Did I do enough today?
Help me with my children.
Help me steward this assignment.
Help me steward my time.
Help me stay close.

Maybe this season isn’t pulling me away from Him after all.

Maybe, in a strange way, it is teaching me another way to be with Him.

Maybe intimacy with God won’t always look like hours at the table with my Bible, journal, and coffee.

Maybe sometimes it looks like whispering “Abba, help me” between responsibilities.

Maybe it looks like surrendering the schedule before the day begins.

and just maybe it looks like finding Him right in the middle of the ugly busy.

Because He isn’t only God in the slow.

He is God in the shift.

He is God in the unknown.

He is God in the gray.

And He is God in the busy.

The season changed.

His presence didn’t.

So I’m still learning to BE.

Not because everything around me is still, but because He is with me in all of it.

And because He is with me, I will not be moved. -Psalm 46:5

Stay close 🤍☕️, especially in this season!